i hung out with old friends.
i went on a pretty nice date.
and he kissed me. relatively well.
exceptional actually.
then he took me to his room
he took off my shirt
and i took off his
and i didn’t even feel guilty as we rolled in his bed without any emotional attachments.
my only regret?
is that I thought of him while silence fell over us in the dark.
that she wants to see you. be with you.
and I’m sitting here watching my phone
dying for you just to call or text
to tell me your thinking about me
or that you miss me
and every time it goes off
i die more and more knowing its never you
wasn’t worth the pain.
i have this floating thought that we will get back together
in portland
away from it all
matured by the nature of college and independence.
and then I shoot the thought down as i begin to picture your hands on some girl you met in your apartment building…you met her on your first day there, in portland. she helped you move in, and she made you smile. she made you smile that smile that use to be just for me. and then you guys fall in love. and then I don’t exist.
so that’s why I won’t consider being with you again. because I can’t ever let you hurt me again.
decided this is karma
i remember being upstair in the bonus room, under the soft light, no music, no tv, nothing but the sound of our hysterical laughter as we argued over the rules of uno. it was early in our relationship, maybe 5 months. We had been playing for hours, simply enjoying each other’s company with the heaviest tint of competitive nature as we kept score of the game. we couldn’t agree on the rules so you began tickling me and we were rolling all over the floor and the cards trying to tickle each other to death. once we had finally determined that we couldn’t agree, you gave me a piggy back ride down the stairs so we could ask my mom. I was right. we laughed and laughed and I remember thinking it had to be a crime to be this happy. and you gave me a kiss. and then I was convinced…it was a crime.
and now I’m here. wondering if I’m the one who put the omen on our once bliss.
now I have to forget that happiness like that existed. I have to forget everything. I have to move on.
my virginity
2 years and 4 months
my baby blanky
yet finally free.
